When Nature Calls…

The bees do it…

The birds do it…

and   Human beings also do it…

When ever  we can…

Ugh..Ugh..No..No.. ! If you think what I think  you are
thinking  , it is a No No No…  ..

I am talking about  a universal law of nature that demands that what goes into any living being has to come out at the other end in some shape or other… sometime or other…
But the ‘other’ may not be a convenient time is all this blog is about…!

Alright, …let me shed  charades and come clean…

What I am talking about is the need of all creations of God to evacuate themselves after a hefty meal. And , if you are a creation of God, then my advice to you is that you don’t come to Kochi after wacking up a sumptuous meal…If you do, you will be under pressure ( pun intended ) and hard put to find a place to ‘download’…

That is Kochi!

A lot has been written  about the   the grave ‘public toilet situation’ in this commercial capital of Kerala. Considering the floating population here, the city has a dearth of public toilets which puts the visitors to this   metropolis under terrible mental and physical strain- not to talk about embarrassment- when it comes to doing the honour.

Short of sqatting on the road side, with a towel to cover your face as criminals do while being brought to the courts  , the options available to the average visitor to this great city for easing himself are few…

However, if you are sagacious enough like… ahem …me, there are a few adventureous alternatives, though all people may not be able to  pull them off successfully 😉  Incidentally, the following  methods are  based on  my own research  …

One alternative is to walk into the nearest railway station . Bide your time and when the platform ticket checker , if any , is busy oggling at the sweet thing waiting for the next train to Timbuktu,   just pop in to the platform   ( Shh…Not taking a platform ticket is the recommended  manoeuvre since that  saves time, especially when you are ‘hard-pressed’ for it ).

Walk in with all the confidence you can muster ,  acting  as though you have come to meet a dear friend arriving  by the next train . Approach any  stationary train ; its destination is not important  . ( There has to be one or this method is a disaster with very little time for other manoeuvres ). Enter  any comparatively empty  compartment,  after looking right and left to make sure that no prying eyes are focussed on you. Trains have these ‘empties’ or ‘semi-empties’ , especially if they have just arrived and  disgorged their incoming ‘toilet seekers’.

Pop into its toilet and …well,  let go!

However, there is an attending risk here , in that the train may start when you are  right in the middle of Chapter 1 Act 2!

There is another alternative…

First  make sure   that you are wearing something reasonably decent. Lungis and half-vests are strictly taboo. Then walk nochantly into any nearby 3-,4- or 5-star hotel.
( Walk into a no-star hotel and you will get the boot for what you are planning  to do) . Walk  straight into the  lobby without showing any hesitation. It requires nerves of steel and a strong control on your bowel muscles!

If you display the right body language- and that does not include clutching at your stomach- chances are that the darwan will open the doors with a flourish and sweep you in with a smart salute. Stage one is a success…

Walk across  to the Reception counter, nod your head ever so slightly at the gorgeous things  manning (?) the counter to show that you have class, and then  take a slow detour ( avoid   sharp turns, or you will be tagged !) to the  the nearest staircase  . Climb up leasurely ( easier said than done in your condition) to  the 2nd floor . This one is  considered to be  the safest bet by ‘yours truly’, after many dry runs!  . Turn right or left- it doesn’t matter which- and you are sure to find salvation within walkling distance with no peeping toms about.

Repeat the drill in reverse order and get out before your luck runs out…

Despite an Ombudsman’s direction  for making available    more public toilets in Kochi to the …er.. public, and a provision for their construction in the last 4 budgets of the Corporation, the latter is yet to come up with a viable solution. And until it  does you and I will have to depend on ‘railway rake assaults’ and ‘5 star sneak-ins’.

Well , of course there is yet another  way out of this situation…To find out,

Click here!>>>public-toilets

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Sectarian Star Wars…

The average Malayali , it appears , is  sectarian by nature. Be it in the field of art ,  or politics he has to belong to a sect. These sects are like bacteria that divide and divide and divide… and go  on and on until the ultimate level is reached where the sect has only one person.. Then, as one wit put it, he sits up and laments that he can’t divide himself any more!

When I think of this, the picture that comes to mind is the Malayali’s favourite fireworks during the  Trichur Pooram Festival’ where the ‘rocket  goes up and dispays a brilliant ‘sectarian’ multiplication!

And while in his sect he has to indulge in his favourite past-time.. torpedoing the moves of rival ‘sectarians’. The desire to do so is so strong that he won’t think twice about taking on an adversary 100 times his size…It is all in the gene…

Take the recent case of the skirmish between Malalyali actor Thilakan and his opponent, ‘AMMA’, short for ‘ Association of Malayalam Movie  Actors’ !

That acronym incidentally appears to be  the most unsuited one for this organisation, vis –s –vis  its recent  acts of bravery against this  lonely oldie….

The word ‘AMMA’ in Malayalam, or its variants in other languages are considered to be a universal symbol of love and compassion or so Mata Amrithanandamayi’s followers would have us believe, huh?  The word  invokes a feeling  of protection… but does it, in this case?

On the contrary, it is a determined fox hunt, where a pack of aging ‘have-beens’ of the Malayalam film world hunt a lone, limping old fox and does an over kill by suspending him from the Organisation! The entire episode  looked like using an over-flabbed road roller to kill a ‘refusing-to-die’ mosquito!

Apparently, this thespian’s only fault was his  determination to take on this set of aged, ‘have been’  grease-paint-sporters  of the  filmdom head on  … deciplinary action be damned!

And he is now  nursing the wound of the boot!

If all he aired is true , he  has apparently been given a raw deal by some top rankers in the Org.   Perhaps because of that he had spoken out loud and clear,  about the underhanded   tactics employed  by some of the these clout-wielding members at the helm of ‘Amma’s affairs…!   And the ‘Amma family’ was not amused… not at all!

But there is an school of thought that tends to  agree that  his uttering have a grain of truth in them , though the methodology he used to air his greivences by going public  maybe frowned upon. But some of his allegations  do make you sit up and wonder…I did!

These  happenings were also widely telecast by most channels who knew where their next buck was coming from! This washing of the dirtiest of linens in public must have bagged a  high  viewer-rating , perhaps higher than that of the Idea Star Singer show on the air!

Last heard, this ‘Outcast’ is now planing to float an independent   association to produce his own films…

For what?

Maybe To split again 😉

A ‘sectarian’ to the core!

Click here>>>  spilt-personality

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