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Archive for January, 2014

I am an avid morning walker… 

I try not to miss any of my morning constitutionals !

Most of the days I am out by 6 am.

I simply love to walk, period!

Now that you have got the general picture I may also add that some of my friends even call me Johnny Walker..Some less charitable others say that I walked out of my mother’s womb! The latter of course might be a bit of exaggeration because if I had done that I would have fallen off the delivery table and broken my neck… and you wouldn’t be reading this epic piece:) !!!

Many people go for a morning walk because sometime, somewhere they have read that it is good for their heart ! At other times they have heard that it has a beneficial effect on one’s blood sugar, thereby giving them an escape route from the bad effects of wading into sackful of sweets day after day! And some men do it as a ruse to escape from the morning naggings of their ‘bitter halves’ 🙂

During my morning trips I have come across a variety of walkers who trudge along stoically , gulping down the God’s Own Air’ in large doses, like beached whales ! But one indisputable fact is that a large percentage of these people drop out and disappear into thin air , some after a few days, some after months!

I suspect some of the women walk because their neighbour walks, proudly displaying her belly button which had long ago disappeared into the folds of fat. I know about one lady who attends every office party religiously and indulges in some really daring acts of over-eating . The next morning she hits the road for a spin in the fervent hope that by the time she returns to her house she would have transformed herself into a ‘feather weight’…Fat hope!

feather weight

Another strange couple I have come across ( both women and consummate practioners of the so-called sport of ‘talkathon’) takes the cake ! They wag their tongues incessantly while on the move, leaning on each other… Serious walking happens only as a casual afterthought. The first is a shortie who laughs all the time like a hyena for no apparent reason at all while the other is an Amazonian who too laughs all the time but just for the heck of it! ! They stop walking only when their tongues get tired !

Then there is this senior citizen whom I walk with off and on . He is a past- master at multi-tasking. He moves likes a worker ant who has been sent away by his Queen on some urgent errand! He is always fiddling with his mobile phone to switch off its radio , but with little success! On his lucky day he may also meet a passing walker and would accost him as a long-lost friend while  tweaking the radio! Once the guy passes he would slow down to turn around and still tweaking the radio ( because I am 5 steps behind him, having exhausted all my energy trying to catch up with him) would  ask me in sotto voce:

“ Hey ! Who was it?”

He makes up his lack of ‘inches’ by the speed of his walk which strikes terror in the minds of other walkers on the same route ! Even the news paper vendor who , in his own right is a ‘death racer’ on mobike, has a healthy respect for this ‘star walker’! At times when I slow down his walking style ‘cross-fades’ into an “s” mode, winding from way side to way side , but still in top gear !

And then there are some other types of walkers who walk at a pace dictated by their dogs !
These dogs come in 3 shades:

walker's dogs

Category 1: The ‘Cheeta’ dogs:  You have to run after them, otherwise you lose them for good!
Category 2: The tortise dogs:  Lazy bums…You need to push them to get going !
Category 3: The constipated dogs …ahem..( more later 🙂 !

Handling dogs is dicey because of the animals’ uncertain pattern of bowel movements. Once I was walking in the Lake District in the UK along with my English friend and his wife with her dog in tow. She carried a good supply of tissues under her arm the purpose which escaped me at first. But once the walk started things became clearer and all pieces fell into place!

She would stoop down every now and then and pick up delicately the dog droppings and store it in a paper bag , admonishing her ‘baby’  for not being civic minded! I wanted to suggest to the lady that she should try using a diaper for her dog ! But being their guest of honour I kept my councel to myself!

diapper dog

The Category 3 dogs- the constipated variety – have the will but not the wherewithal! I have seen walkers’ dogs arching on closely planted feet and struggling to produce some output while their resigned owner hangs around looking embarrassed, waiting for something to emerge! And the passers-by look at him with compassion and move on because they have nothing much to offer!

Finally, there is one more category of walkers as far as I know, but they do not walk on the roads in the mornings . So I don’t see them but I am well aware of their existence . They have no fixed times for walking.. I met a fatso of this kind one day in his home and suggested he take regular walks in the mornings to fine tune his health, or what there was left of it.

“ But I do walk man, I do! Every day!” He replied with a scowl on his face as though what I was saying was sacrilege .
“ But I don’t see you outside at all, mon ami”  I tried a bit of French as I had heard he had flown over France once.
“ Mon Cher!” He gave back in the same coin… “ I walk from my drawing room to the toilet at least twice every day …More , when I have an upset stomach!”

Touche…!

I quit!

After studying all these various types of’ walkers’ I have finally come to this conclusion: –
“Walk alone and you will walk tall !”

Bye for now!

 

 

 

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By drinking what I mean hereunder is the consumption of alcohol…Pure and simple!‭ ‬And some of my friends‭ ‬ are past masters at this game,‭ ‬honing it into a fine art‭!

In the olden days I had seen people in my home town thronging in the evenings to the thatched sheds with the sign board‭ “‬Toddy‭” ‬prominently displayed at the entrance,‭ and dotting ‬along the length and breath of this country of mine.‭ ‬At one end of the spectrum,‭ ‬there were old timers‭ ‬in the‭ ‬assemblage who are seasoned drinkers and‭ ‬thought‭ ‬nothing of being‭ ‬spotted in a toddy shop line-up.‭ ( ‬Those days the so-called‭ “‬decent guys‭” ‬didn’t go to a toddy shop for a sip of the elixir‭ ‬because it was considered to be‭ ‬infra-dig‭! ). ‬Then there were‭ ‘‬greenhorns‭’ ‬both young and old,‭ ‬who got goaded into making a visit by their friends for a bit of fun.‭ ‬These guys ‭ ‬tried to erase themselves from the face of the earth by covering their heads in a‭ ‬native towel but with poor results.

These toddy shops used to dish out both toddy‭ ‬and‭ ‘‬arrack‭’ ‬,‭ ‬the latter being a clear liquid‭ ‬,‭ ‬smelling like the bottom of a unwashed baby‭ ! ‬But it‭ ‬sported a kick like that of a‭ ‬mule in a foul mood!‭ ‬Usually the congregation ended up in a brawl‭ – ‬some got bounced‭ ‬out and some got bashed up.‭ ‬By midnight peace would return and the guests would walk out with their wallets still not dented too much.‭ ‬In today’s financial terms‭ ‬their night’s expenses would be less than the droppings of a constipated ant!

Those were the days…But it is a different story here now a days….

Today Toddy shops still exist‭ ‬but our youth have developed their own preferences.‭ ‬Bars are a favourite haunt‭ ‬,‭ ‬especially for those with well stuffed purses.‭ ‬But the real heros are the‭ “ ‬Oh‭! ‬For the open spaces ‭!” ‬guys who have elevated the act of drinking to mind blowing levels of perfection‭ ! They have even discovered ways to avoid overworking their kidneys when on a heavy drinking bout!

kidney bypass syndrom

 

Close to where I live there is a band of‭ “‬booze art lovers‭’ ‬who are the da Vinci’s of group tipping.‭ ‬Going on tour is a passion with them because they get an opportunity for‭ ‬downing the ale,‭ ‬without the cussed‭ ‬neighbours breathing down their necks , making life unbearable‭ and robbing ‬ them of a chance for a peaceful pow-wow with the bottle‭ !

This group‭ ‬ look upon‭ “‬Drink‭” ‬as their own sibling.‭ ‬One of them whom I know carries it in his car always‭ ‬,‭ ‬often relegating his‭ ‬10‭ ‬year old son and   wifie to the back seat‭ ‬so that he can install the bottle and other related paraphernalia on the front seat‭ ‬and hug it while driving‭!

Recently one group here went on a tour of the Western ghats for a spot of drinking extravaganza.‭ ‬The‭ ‬20‭ ‬seater van arrived in the‭ ‬colony right on Indian time‭ ‬,‭ ‬that is‭ ‬60‭ ‬minutes late‭ ‬:‭) ‬,‭ ‬because the driver too was an ardent fan of the inebriating brew‭! After a flurry of activity near the van door, i‬n went first the casks of beer,‭ ‬bottles of whisky,‭ ‬Rum,‭ ‬and Brandy,‭ ‬ all with extreme care, and then the wives and the kids in that order , the latter gettin not so much care..‭ ‬All the bottles were‭ ‬carried inside delicately by loving hands and stached away in the inner folds of the‭ ‬20‭ ‬seater,‭ ‬after some‭ ‬5‭ ‬seats were‭ ‘‬unseated‭ ‘ ‬and thrown out‭ ( ‬space crunch y’know‭!)‬.

It was around‭ ‬7‭ ‬o’clock in the morning and the morning sun was ascending‭ ‘‬unsteadly‭’ ‬-‭ ‬or so it seemed to the team leader who was still trying to figure out what went wrong during last night’s binge‭! The ground apperared to have acquired a mind of its own and still showed an annoying tendency to gyrate ! Balancing under the circumstances was difficult unless one downed yet another peg. ..and he did just that!
The driver,‭ ‬back from‭ ‬a soujourn at the lamp post to download the contents of his bladder crawled into his seat and honked twice,‭ ‬and then some‭ ‬,‭ ‬perhaps to assure himself that he had got into the right van ! He was quite familiar with the honks of his van which he could single out from a kilometer away, like the mother penquin who could recognise it’s baby’s cry from the cackle of a thousand others’ ‭!

‭The revellers trooped in one by one, kids and baggage in tow, looking left and right to ensure that they are not too conspicuous … By 9 am all were in and relaxing…

‭“Shall we start?”

‭Asked an impatient reveller.

‭“ Shall we start what? The van or on the bottle?”
‭Quipped anoter impatient one.

‭“ Why not both ?”
‭ Suggested a more practical impatient guy and this was welcomed with much enthusiasm.
‭It was followed by two ‘pops’ , one made by the driver gunning his engine and the other by the decapping of the beer bottle…

‭The procession was on its way…

‭Half way to the destination during the ensuing revelry someone suddenly noticed the absence of the team leader! Frantic consultaions about his possible whereabouts were underway . Under the seats, on the the seats and over the seats in the luggage racks , no stone was unturned but all searches came up with nautch! In the end a non-plussed group decided to push on , and leader be damned!

‭Back home in the colony a desolate half-drunk was seen ambling around without aim , mourning under his liquir-smelling breath

“The B******s ditched me !”

‭Adios!
‭Until next time…!

 

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